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Toxic Positivity Feels Like a Dismissal, Not Support
I’ve worked with many people facing difficult times, and a common frustration comes up—opening up to family or friends, only to be met with “This will pass.” “Give it time.” “You’ll be fine.”
And sure, those words might be true. But when you’re struggling, when things feel heavy, they don’t land as comfort. They land as dismissal.
One of my biggest bugbears? When you’re clearly not okay, and someone asks, “Is everything okay?”
Everything? What a silly and unconsciously ignorant thing to ask. Because no, everything is not okay. And if I had the energy to list all the reasons why, I wouldn’t be feeling this way in the first place. It’s a lazy, generic question that shifts the burden back onto the person struggling—forcing them to either pretend they’re fine or fumble for words to explain.
Why It’s So Frustrating
When we’re in pain, we don’t want someone to brush past it with a generic phrase. We want to feel seen. Heard. Held. Not told that “time will fix it” when, in the moment, time feels like the enemy.
Reassurance without acknowledgment makes people feel alone in their struggles. It’s like standing in the rain, soaking wet, while someone tells you, “Don’t worry, the sun will come out eventually.” Sure, but right now, I’m drenched, freezing, and could really use an umbrella.
Why People Say These Things
Dismissive reassurance often comes from discomfort. Some people—especially parents or older generations—aren’t used to sitting with emotions. They grew up in a time where “getting on with it” was the norm, where emotions were things to push down, not explore.
Other times, people just don’t know what to say. So they reach for the safest, most well-worn phrases in their vocabulary. They’re not trying to be dismissive, but they also don’t want to get too deep—because deep can be messy.
And then there are the fixers. The ones who can’t handle seeing you in pain, so they rush to patch it up with words that sound helpful but really aren’t.
If You’re the One Saying ‘This Will Pass’…
If you truly want to support someone, drop the empty reassurances and try this instead:
✅ Validate first. Say, “That sounds really hard. I can see why you’re feeling this way.”
✅ Ask what they need. Instead of assuming, try “Do you want advice or just someone to listen?”
✅ Sit in the discomfort. You don’t have to fix it. Just being there and acknowledging their feelings is often enough.
✅ Use gentle curiosity. Ask, “What’s been the hardest part for you?” This invites them to open up instead of shutting down.
How to Handle Your Frustration
Because let’s be honest—some people won’t change overnight. So how do you stop yourself from boiling over every time they say it?
Reframe it: Instead of taking it personally, remind yourself: They’re uncomfortable with emotions. This is about them, not me.
Find validation elsewhere: Vent to someone who actually gets it before or after talking to them.
Use humour: “You and your ‘give it time’—should I put that on a mug for you?” (Sometimes laughter makes the point without the fight.)
Take a breath before reacting: Give yourself a moment to choose your response, rather than reacting in frustration. It's ok, and truly healthy to say that you're not ok with their passive, generalised response, they probably aren't aware of it.
"Toxic positivity isn’t just ignoring the truth—it’s gaslighting someone’s reality. When we brush past real pain with empty reassurances, we rob people of the space to heal. Acknowledge the struggle, don’t just push it aside."
Let’s Start a Conversation
If you’ve ever felt frustrated by these responses, you’re not alone. Let’s open the conversation about how we can truly support each other during tough times. Comment below, share your experience or tag someone who needs to hear this message.
At the end of the day, we all just want to feel seen. And while not everyone is capable of giving that to us, we can learn to ask for it—and to protect our own energy when they don’t.
Love & Stardust,
Caron xox
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